Secrets and Lies
by kdzl
Summary: The fear of Schizophrenia had hung over Spencer Reid for years.  Unfortunately, his fear was Jennifer Jareau's reality.  Can their friendship survive one more secret after all the lies?


**Author's Note: **This story was requested by my Beta, and I found myself mulling over it a lot. I know the Reid with Schizophrenia angle has been done a lot, this is another take on that. This takes place shortly after the 7.02 ep.

* * *

><p>Schizophrenia was such a harsh word, JJ mused as she looked over the case file in front of her, glancing back at the purse on her desk as she winced slightly at the thought of the medication buried deep inside.<p>

She should know.

She couldn't stop herself from making the connection between burying her secret as deeply as possible and the disease that caused so much fear and paranoia.

So much doubt.

For years, she had pushed away every chance at a relationship, realizing that getting close to people only meant that they would find out her secret.

Her struggles.

And call her crazy, or don't really because that word hurt far more than any other possible insult, but she just couldn't deal with that level of rejection.

A rejection not based on a weird quirk, but a rejection based on who she was.

Another file plopped loudly on her desk, snapping her from her thoughts. She frowned to see Reid's retreating form.

Things had been better since Rossi's cooking lesson.

But it still wasn't the same.

It wasn't the close friendship that she had come to treasure. Nor was it the endearing relationship that rivaled that between her and her brother.

Now, there seemed an chasm that separated them, and she hoped one day she could get that back.

Shaking her head, she forced herself to regroup and focus on the task at hand. Work had to come now, she would worry about mending her still sore relationship with Reid when lives weren't at stake.

Looking down at the profile she had written, she underlined her earlier notation, confident that she was right.

_Untreated Schizophrenic._

She frowned as she thought of what the UnSub must be feeling, briefly unable to separate her own life from that of the man who had destroyed innocent lives.

Schizophrenia was a disease.

Thankfully, for her it was under control.

But losing control was something she was afraid of every day.

Almost as much as rejection.

* * *

><p>Hours later, she found herself on the jet, flying half-way across the country with the rest of the team. She smirked as she flipped through the file one last time, amazed at how this rush of adrenaline never really went away.<p>

Maybe that was why the BAU was so addictive.

"Hey." Reid cleared his throat, settling into the seat next to her, needing clarification more than he ever had before.

"Hey Spence." JJ smiled, closing the file on her lap and looking at him with surprise. He barely tolerated her lately, so the sudden move toward friendship was a step in the right direction.

"How are you?" He asked suddenly, looking at her closely.

She narrowed her gaze at him, "I'm fine, why?" She asked, suddenly struck with a pang of nervousness.

Did he know?

No. She stopped herself, closing her eyes briefly to shake herself from this dangerous train of thought. No, her mind had to be playing tricks on her.

He couldn't possibly know.

Maybe it was time to change her dosage.

"I just—" Reid shuffled nervously. "Was wondering." He settled on lamely.

Shaking her head as she assured herself she was just overreacting. "Well, thanks." She settled on, shifting uncomfortably in her seat as she turned back to the file, attempting to end this conversation before it began.

Reid sighed, hating how hard this was.

How was he supposed to ask her something so personal?

Especially when he had done everything in his power to push her away.

"Listen, earlier today just before the briefing, I accidentally knocked over your purse when you were out of the room." He cleared his throat nervously, aching to find answers that had plagued him for years but hoping on some level that he was wrong.

"Oh?" She asked, closing the file again as she watched him suspiciously.

He couldn't know.

This had to be something else.

Right?

He gulped, looking around at the others to confirm the others weren't listening before pulling her prescription out of his pocket. "I…uh…I found this."

Her eyes widened in horror as she looked down at the bottle, snatching it angrily out of his hands before turning back to the file in front of her.

He knew.

"JJ—I—" He looked for the right words to say, the right question to ask. "How long have you—"

"It's none of your business Reid." She ground out harshly, her jaw tightening as she clamped down on the fury that his invasion ignited.

"I just want to know—" He shook his head. "JJ, that drug is prescribed for Schizophrenia."

She looked up at him, pure rage flaming in her eyes. "Back off Reid."

* * *

><p>He knocked gently on her hotel room door later that night, the insatiable questions rolling around in his mind crying out for answers.<p>

How bad was it?

How long had she had it?

What was it like?

Was she scared?

"What do you want Reid?" She hissed as she opened up the door just a crack, keeping the protective barrier between them in order to keep the prying questions away.

"I just want to talk." He admitted, the plea sounding weak even to his own ears.

"Well I've been trying to talk to you for months. You didn't care then, so excuse me for not caring anymore." She bit out snidely, shutting the door behind her.

Reid, however, wasn't about to be blown off. She was right, he knew it. But he couldn't stop himself from being a little selfish. He had to know. He needed answers. Knocking a little harder, he persisted. "JJ, Please? I just—Please?" He asked, hoping that their deeply forged friendship might still be salvageable.

She opened the door, sighing reluctantly as she let him in. "Fine." She snarled.

"I—" He stumbled around for the right words, wondering just how to phrase it. "How long have you had it?"

She bristled, "Why do you care?" She asked, bristling. "This is _none_ of your business."

"You know about my mom…" He trailed off suddenly aware that his mother's condition was the least of her concerns, "I just—I"

"Do you even hear yourself?" She spat angrily, fuming both with having to confront something she hoped no one would ever know and annoyed more than she could begin to explain. "Everything is about you. Have you ever thought about _anyone_ but yourself?"

"JJ, I'm sorry, maybe this isn't the best time." He hedged, trying to pull back.

Maybe he was pushing too far, being too selfish.

Maybe it was time to give JJ some space.

If JJ wasn't ready for this, then maybe he was wrong to interrupt her this late at night looking for answers.

But he had to know.

"You know what Reid, _any time_ would be a better time. But just like always, you're finally ready to talk." JJ rolled her eyes. "So let me drop everything. It's good for you now, so let's talk."

"That's not fair." Reid's eyes hardened. "You've lied to me about everything, and you just want me to forgive you. Now this? I don't even know you."

"How dare you?" JJ spat incredulously. "Because I don't want everyone to know every detail of my life, suddenly that's _lying_? Excuse me for wanting privacy."

"You lied about Emily." He pointed out, not really angry anymore but aware that if he pushed JJ just far enough, he might gain the answers he was searching for.

He hoped one day she would forgive him.

"Oh would you grow up." JJ groaned, losing control momentarily and saying the words she had longed to say for weeks. "It wasn't my decision, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

It was true.

As soon as she had heard about Emily's secrets, she knew she could never divulge anything that might threaten Emily's life.

If anyone knew what it was like to have secrets, it was JJ.

But there was something else, something different entirely.

Because JJ knew all too well what it was like to try and keep something personal from the team. She knew that fear that kept her up at night, wondering what it would be like when they found out.

Would they see her differently?

Would they understand?

Would they reject her?

"Of course you would." He said flippantly, the words designed to cut her to the core.

To his surprise, they didn't. "Yeah. I would." She shrugged, suddenly pleading with him to understand. "Wouldn't you, if you had been in my place?" She asked frankly.

He stopped at that, surprised. JJ was one of the only people who never treated him with kid gloves. Who always talked to him with honesty and without judgment.

Maybe that's why her betrayal had hurt so much.

But was it really betrayal? He caught himself, wondering for the first time how he could have been so shortsighted. Was her selecting Emily's secret over his anguish betrayal? If she had chosen differently she would have betrayed Emily.

Why hadn't he seen that before? He was supposed to be the genius, the brilliant mind that everyone respected.

Suddenly, he didn't feel so brilliant.

Noticing his thoughtful silence, JJ added. "Don't you have secrets you would want to keep?" She asked, not bothering to hide the connection between her secret and Emily's secret.

Her words cut him. As much as the rest of the team knew he had recovered from a drug problem, only JJ knew how bad it had gotten.

Only JJ knew that he had gone to a gas station in a small town nearly a hundred miles outside of DC to steal cash in order to avoid a paper trail to his beloved Dilaudid. But when he sat in his car, trembling as the withdrawal pushed him forward and his confidence evaporated with every growing second, JJ was the only one he had called.

Only JJ had been the one to drive out in the middle of the night, showing up beside his car and taking the gun from his hands and drove him straight to a rehab clinic.

Only JJ had sat with him throughout his recover.

JJ had kept his secret just as she had Emily's. Not even he could be foolish enough to miss that connection.

He frowned, wondering why that had seemed so important to him before. Why JJ's attempts at maintaining secrecy had hurt so badly.

Now, being angry at JJ for saving Emily's life seemed a little childish.

After all, just like Emily the team had a right to know how bad his addiction had become. How when he craved the liquid in his veins nothing else mattered.

But only JJ knew how strong the draw to Dilaudid was, and only JJ saw fit to keep him in the dark.

A dark, where Dilaudid continued to call out for him, offering sweet promises of relief.

Only JJ could be that cruel.

But only JJ would understand what it was like to constantly battle addicting thoughts. Her disease and his addiction weren't all that different.

"I thought we were friends." He said, his voice wavering as he realized that really he never knew her at all.

He only knew what she wanted him to know, he like everyone else only saw the aspects of herself that she put on public display. The rest, an entirely separate part of her she kept hidden even from him. Suddenly that seemed like it wasn't enough. He had to know more.

"We are friends." She sighed, the annoyance behind her earlier words dissipating.

"How long?" He asked again, gently lowering himself down to sit on the bed.

She softened, sitting beside him as she hugged her arms around herself tightly. "Why do you care?" She asked again, this time the anger a little less palpable and a little more vulnerable. A little more honest.

"I care because you're my friend." He stated simply, surprised at how easily the true statement rolled off his tongue. Had someone asked him earlier today, he might have struggled to define his relationship with JJ—hurt and betrayal mixed with an underlying affection he was trying to recover—but now he could firmly say it was true. She was his friend.

She watched him closely, a rosy color rising up her cheeks as she tried to push away the pang of embarrassment. "I was diagnosed in College, just after I blew out my knee playing soccer. I was 22." She ended the story quickly. He didn't need to know the details, and honestly she wished she could forget.

But forgetting was dangerous because that would mean lessening the careful watch she kept over herself. Forgetting would mean that she would be entirely vulnerable to the thoughts she worked so hard to keep at bay.

No, she shook her head almost imperceptibly, forgetting would be dangerous because the disease could overtake her entirely.

"And you think it is under control?" He asked, his eyes narrowing.

She ran her hand through her hair, fighting the urge to grow annoyed. Had she detected an accusation? She shook her head, even if she had it wasn't her fault. He had meant it that way. "I don't have to think about it. It _is_ under control." She stressed. This is how it always was when someone found out.

They never looked at her the same again.

She knew he would be just like all the others.

He sighed, her words striking familiar chords within him. He had heard the same fierce intensity in his own mother's voice, almost the same words falling from her lips. But he wasn't stupid. Nor was he a child. Not anymore. "JJ, I know you might think that—but sometimes this disease—"

"Look." She interrupted, "This is precisely why I haven't told any of you. I know what happens next. Any time I get annoyed it is only because of the disease. Any time I get frustrated, I'm being paranoid because it gets blamed on the disease. Any time I feel hurt, I'm being unreasonable because of the disease." Her gaze hardened, "I'm not your mom Reid. It _is _under control."

He clenched his jaw, needing to point out that if she wasn't being monitored closely by a physician than she couldn't possibly know that. It could very well be the disease. He felt an almost irrational anger flare up inside of him. "How can you know? Are you taking your meds?" He shot back angrily, feeling an odd sense of victory as her cheeks ignited in a humiliated blush. "Are you?"

And there was the question. The question that whenever anyone found out, the question they would ask her over and over. Day in and day out. She shook her head, refusing to allow that question to make her doubt herself. "Of course."

He wanted to push that, but even he was aware that he still needed answers. "Does Will know?" He asked softly, unwilling to dwell on the image that Henry might grow up exactly like he did.

With a schizophrenic mother who refused to be treated.

She looked at him incredulously. For a moment, he expected the familiar diatribe that it wasn't anyone else's concern. Her next words, however, surprised him. "Of course he knows. He's my boyfriend. He's the father of my child.""

"Does Hotch know?" He asked, suddenly feeling a wave of hurt wash over him that he knew wasn't justified.

Was he the only one she didn't trust with this secret?

She shook her head. "My doctor has his number, in case I start to go downhill." She shrugged. "For now, that's enough."

"Is it?" He asked, unable to keep the venom out of his voice, his anger growing.

He knew it wasn't fair to blame her like this.

She was right, she _wasn't_ his mother.

But not telling Hotch was irresponsible.

And though he hated himself, this newfound revelation about JJ made him scared.

He was scared of what could happen to her and Henry.

Though it was utterly unfair, he was scared what would happen if she had an episode while she was supposed to be having his back.

Though it was completely irrational, he was scared of one more person abandoning him.

"What do you mean?" She asked, the hurt evidenced in her voice. She hadn't expected him to accept it. In fact, she had planned on his rejection.

But she hadn't anticipated him questioning her decisions.

It was as if he didn't trust her.

He could see the indecision overtake her. The _fear_. He should have cared about that, he should have wanted to tell her that it was all going to be alright.

But in that moment, he couldn't stop himself from being selfish. "I mean, you expect me to rely on your doctor to know your state of mind when we're out in the field?" He asked, the earlier loathing he felt toward her returning. "You think that's good enough? It's not. Not when my life is the one in danger."

"And now, I think it's time for you to get out." She stood, opening the door without hesitation as she clenched her jaw and forced herself not to respond.

She could feel the tears burning in her eyes.

But she wasn't going put up with his accusations.

At least, not right now.

Not when she already felt like she was running on empty.

Not when she didn't have the strength to fight off the paranoid and self-deprecating thoughts from overtaking her.

"I'm sorry." He frowned, moving to the door and grabbing the handle to pull it shut behind him. He almost left it at that, but he couldn't stop himself from adding one more barb. One more jab designed to hurt her as much as she had already hurt him. "But I'm not willing for you to keep a secret just to put _my _life in danger."

* * *

><p>He knocked harshly on Hotch's door the next morning, his jaw set, his stance defiant.<p>

This was the right thing to do.

But if this was the right thing, why did he feel like he was betraying JJ?

He pushed away those feelings, forcing himself to focus on the fear for his safety.

He was doing the right thing.

Right?

Hotch answered the door in his dress pants and a t-shirt, and it took a moment for Reid to notice that something was entirely out of place. "This morning just keeps getting interesting." Hotch grumbled, opening the door as he gestured for Reid to come in.

The young genius stepped forward, standing at the threshold of the door but not coming in either way. "Hotch, I need to talk to you."

The older man nodded and took a step back, gesturing for Reid to come in further. "How can I help you?" He asked, his eyes kind and tired.

Reid shook his head, knowing that if he delayed this any longer he would lose his nerve. "JJ has schizophrenia."

Hotch's face stayed impassive and if Reid didn't know any better, he might think the older man already knew. "Okay." Hotch drew out the word, seemingly confused as to why Reid's revelation mattered.

"You need to take her out of the field immediately." He insisted passionately, Hotch's indecision grating on his nerves. JJ was a danger to all of them. He didn't trust her. "This—"

"Is something that is being handled." Hotch cut him off, his tone forceful and tight. "I am sure JJ appreciates your concern, but she came by earlier this morning and we have discussed the ramifications. I'm satisfied with the way this is being handled."

"You mean you aren't even going to do anything?" He asked, his voice climbing as he tried to push away the embarrassing thought that JJ had known he wasn't strong enough to keep her secret.

Hotch shrugged. "There's nothing for me to do. JJ promised me the situation is under control. Her condition isn't on the list of reasons for mandatory removal from the field. As long as she is following her doctor's instructions, I do not see that it is an issue." Involuntarily, he placed his hand in his pocket where the small important business card lay. "She gave me her doctor's number in case I'm ever concerned." He shrugged once more. "I don't see that anything else needs to be done." And then, as if taking in Reid's actions toward JJ over the last month, as if remembering JJ's dedication over the years he had known her, he added. "I trust her."

"But she could put us all in danger!" He cried, uncertain whether his concern was really about his own safety or something much different. "You have to remove her from the field right now."

Hotch looked at him closely, as if really seeing him for the first time. "You aren't concerned for yourself at all, are you?"

"I don't know what you mean." Reid huffed, pushing away the nagging feeling in his heart like Hotch had just struck the truth. "I'm concerned that JJ is sick—"

"Do you have any idea how much courage it took for her to come to me this morning?" Hotch asked with surprise. "Or how much courage it took for her to join the FBI?"

"Typically paranoid schizophrenics are afraid of law enforcement." Reid brushed his statement off quickly, "But—"

"But JJ deals with law enforcement officials on a daily basis." Hotch interrupted, his voice soft and kind as if reprimanding a child. "She works in a unit of people trained to watch behavior. By telling me about her disease, she knows that her every action will now be scrutinized." He shook his head with awe-struck pride. "If she doesn't deserve support for her decisions, I don't know who does."

"But she's got—"

"A disease that millions of people live with every day. It's under control." Hotch interrupted again, shutting Reid's rant down as quickly as he could. "If you are _that_ concerned, I can take that under advisement and avoid pairing you together."

Reid's mouth dropped open slightly as he stumbled to find the words. "The others have a right to know." He said softly, backing out of Hotch's room. "And if you aren't going to tell them, then I will."

"Tell us what?" Morgan asked, appearing in the doorway of his room while he waited for Emily to finish up and join him for breakfast.

Suddenly Reid's mouth went dry. This was the moment of truth. Defiantly, he turned, intending to air JJ's long-kept secret in front of the world, to force her to understand that everyone would feel just as betrayed as he did.

To make her hurt just like he had.

Unfortunately, at that moment JJ stepped out of her room, quietly closing the door behind her. She stopped at the commotion in the hall, catching Reid's eye he could see her entire countenance fall as she realized his imminent betrayal.

And just as his mouth opened, just as he tried to say the words he knew he could never get back, he stopped.

He just couldn't do it.

"Nothing Morgan." He shrugged, turning away from JJ as he avoided the burning accusation in her gaze, the accusation he knew he deserved.

It wasn't fair. She shouldn't have to have this pain. This awful thing that

But if anything, she deserved her privacy—she had earned that much.

"Spence." She called after him, the choked-back emotion in her voice stopping him in his tracks. Turning around to face her, it was as if he could suddenly see her in a new light. The look in her eyes, the raw accusation, hurt and betrayal that he so rightly deserved wasn't there, replaced instead by something he definitely didn't deserve. Gratitude.

All of the issues he had thought were so important seemed so juvenile now.

This was JJ.

His friend.

And as much as the fear of his mother weighed on his subconscious, she was right.

This was different.

And the time for him to be selfish was over. This was JJ's issue, and when (if ever) she was ready to share it with the others he would be there for her. But if Hotch was satisfied then he would have to be too.

She _wasn't_ his mother.

If anyone deserved his trust, if anyone had earned the right to tell him that her issues were under control and that she would pull herself out if things started to decline, it was JJ.

"I was about to get breakfast." He smiled, gesturing to the elevator behind him as he offered her the only thing he could right then.

An understanding smile.

He stopped short of inviting her to go with him, he still wasn't ready for that yet.

But he was getting there.

JJ seemed to understand, nodding as she smiled back while he pushed the button to the elevator. "Have fun."

Derek watched the exchange, unsurprised to see Emily open up her door and hop out while she finished pulling on her shoes. "Whoa, did I miss some memo about a pow-wow in the halls?" She asked.

He shrugged, still not entirely understanding what had transpired. "Uh, Jayje we were getting breakfast, want to join?"

JJ couldn't tear her eyes away from the elevator until the doors closed, taking Reid downstairs. Her smile broadening, she shrugged. "Sure, but you're buying."


End file.
